Why Broken Spirit
2020/09/10
September 10, 2020
When we first attempted to build our community based on the Lord’s command to love one another, we discovered just how hard it was, simple as it seemed. The Lord showed us what we needed in order to do that - his “Dunamis” Power. And He led us to discover the secret to this power - it’s in a broken spirit.
Written By:
Sara
December 2015 to June 2019
THE POWER TO LOVE
Our Love So Frail
We can love because we are loved.
We are created to love and for love.
My husband described his experience when our first-born child was birthed:
“It was a strange feeling… something very strong welled up from deep within me…so deep… something I didn’t know existed…. something I have never experienced before…and I try to put on my best smile…. hoping that my baby will like me when she opens her eyes to see me…”
I identify. I feel the same strong deep love for each of my children and in fact, from the moment they were growing in my womb.
"AS MUCH AS WE TRY, INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL PRESSURES SOMETIMES MAKE US UNABLE TO LOVE, MAKES US TIRED."
But our love has its limitations. As much as we try, internal and external pressures sometimes make us unable to love, makes us tired. As much as we desire to, it is difficult or impossible to feel or communicate love all the time.
We all have been there.
It is the same way with my relationship with my God.
Love that starts out strong and powerful gets weary at times. Maybe it got too familiar. From time to time, I forget Him in the midst of busyness of living and of so many responsibilities.
One time, God sends my mentor Serene to me, saying:
“Sara, you plate is so full.”
But as much as I try to clear out my plate, it keeps filling up - parenting my 3 growing children, praying for them and for my husband as he copes with stress in his business, sick family members, serving Church, helping friends in need, balancing a tight budget and now in my late fifties, the woes of an aging body…. the list goes on…
"HOW CAN I SUSTAIN LOVE FOR A BEING WHO IS NOT VISIBLE, WHO DOES NOT SHOUT FOR OR DEMAND MY LOVE AND ATTENTION?"
At some points in my life, God seemed distant. I cannot feel His love. Nor can I feel my love for Him. How can I sustain love for a being who is not visible, who does not shout for or demand my love and attention? I longed for the time when He was first in my life, where His love sustains me, His voice excites me and He made me feel alive. I longed to be able to love Him like I used to.
The Dunamis
It was one of those moments in the pit of wretchedness that the Lord taught me about the power I need to be able to love Him.
"IN ORDER TO KNOW THE EXTENT OF GOD'S LOVE FOR US, WE NEED HIS POWER."
It is in the good book! The bible says that in order to know the extent of God’s love for us, we need His power:
"Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." - Ephesians 3:17-19, New Living Translation (NLT)
He showed me this word in Greek for power: “Dunamis”.
“How do we get hold of this dunamis power?” I ask God.
“Is it through fasting and praying or through leading a holy life?”
I think of the hermits and holy men of India, who don’t bathe, don’t eat, spend their life in seclusion, and live in a state of meditation 24/7. I don’t think I can live like them, nor do I have any desire to do so; and frankly, I do not think any human can achieve holiness this way.
THE SECRET TO THE POWER
In October 2008, I read a book by Bob Sorge, “Secrets of the Secret Place”, in which he shared a revelation he had of Romans 1:3-4:
"... concerning his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, who was born of the seed of David according to the flesh, and declared to be the Son of God with power according to the Spirit of holiness, by the resurrection from the dead." (NKJV)
I was also intrigued by a revelation he shared in Psalms 51. Verse 17 quickened my spirit in particular:
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart - These, O God, You will not despise." (NLT)
I pondered on these words and started drawing in my journal.
I thought to myself:
- Spirit of God: Genesis 1:2
God’s spirit was first revealed as His Spirit, not the Holy Spirit. I drew a triangle to represent God’s Spirit.
2. Human Spirit: Psalm 51
I drew another triangle below to represent the human spirit. The finest example of a good human spirit has to be King David, I thought. Here is one who loves God deeply and unabashedly and one whom God even describes as the apple of His very own eye.
But only through the prophet sent by God did King David suddenly see the extent and ugliness of what he had done – adultery, coveting another man’s wife and plotting his murder. It is amazing how blind one can be to his own sin, not to mention this is David – one who is so intimately close to God!
He realises that it was God he had totally failed and sinned against[1]. He has utterly no excuse and no way of redeeming himself.
In that moment of panic, realising that God was going to turn away from him in disgust, he acknowledges his sin in total repentance – completely broken and contrite.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.” Psalm 51:17 (NLT)
3. Holy Spirit: Psalm 51: 11 (NKJV)
The possibility of losing his intimacy with God strikes him with fear and he begs God not to leave him:
“Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.”
And this is what hit me - when Bob Sorge writes:
“Psalms 51:11 is the first time in the Bible where the Spirit of God was referred to as the Holy Spirit.”
4. From Brokenness to Holiness
I was intrigued:
God’s Spirit + Broken Human Spirit = Holy Spirit?
I pondered – is it when the human spirit is totally broken and helpless, and it realises that nothing is worse than losing God’s presence and nothing is more precious, more important than our relationship with God - that we are able to receive God’s spirit into our spirit?
Is it only then that our spirit can become holy, because only God is holy?
- I get it! Holiness can only come from brokenness.
- I do not get it by fasting or fervent praying.
- It is not from how much I know
- It is not by how holy or how Christian I appear.
- It is certainly not from my achievements, not how good I am.
- It is not measured by the extent of my service to God or to Church.
- It is not when I become ‘perfect’, for I can never be.
BROKENNESS, I CAME TO REALISE, IS NOT ABOUT FEELING BAD ABOUT MY SINS AND FAILURES. IT IS ABOUT SURRENDERING MYSELF TO GOD'S GREAT LOVE AND MERCY WHILST IN FULL COGNISANCE AND OWNERSHIP OF MY FAILURES AND SINS.
My surrender allows God’s Spirit to break into my human spirit – I saw the first triangle descend into the second triangle, forming an intersection in the shape of a hexagon.
That is when God’s Spirit and my spirit are one, and I can live my life led not by my human spirit but by the Spirit of God.
This hexagon represents the holiness of God manifested in man, as well as the Spirit of holiness/the Holy Spirit.
The significance of the hexagon was unclear to me until around 2015 when the Lord led me to open the prayer vault. It is always such fun simply listening and waiting for God to unravel a little at a time, even if it takes years to get the whole picture!
5. Holiness is Power
Through the holiness of God or the Holy Spirit, power is released – the same dunamis power that resurrected Christ.
The Power Is In Brokenness
The key to unlocking this resurrection power of the Holy Spirit is in brokenness!
One example in the New Testament is Peter, the disciple of Jesus. The disciples had thought that the heavenly army would come down to defeat their enemies and that this would prove that Jesus was the Messiah. But things did not turn out as they had anticipated. For all of Peter’s bravado, human strength and popularity with people, he could not withstand the terror he felt when he saw Jesus arrested, without resistance, ready to go to the cross. His love for the Lord failed him, his human faith was shattered and his spirit was devastated and tormented when he heard the cock crow for the third time – remembering then his oath to never betray the Lord.
The resurrected Lord asked Peter three simple questions as they had their breakfast by the beach. In fact, it was the same question that Jesus asked Peter three times to ‘cancel out’ Peter’s three failures; the only thing that mattered –
“Do you love me, Peter?”
PETER TOOK A DEEP LOOK INTO HIMSELF, UNWORTHY, BROKEN AND CONTRITE, AND HE REALISED - THAT THIS FRAIL AND BROKEN HEART DO REALLY LOVE THE LORD!
AND THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS REQUIRED.
His brokenness empowered him to understand and taste love. Broken and fully restored, he was now qualified and ready to receive the Holy Spirit on the day of Pentecost.
The rest is history.
The power to transform anyone is in brokenness!
Breaking Of Christ: God’s Great Plan
I thought about Romans 1:3-4 NKJV:
(emphasis, arrangement and words in parenthesis mine):
I break it down in my journal:
On Dec 29, 2015, I was trying to share this with the COBS members at the Prayer Vault in Chinese when one of them, Hai Choo, a 70-year-old grandmother and a relatively new Christian, blurted out excitedly:
“耶稣根本就是神的儿子!”
“Jesus was the Son of God in the first place!”
I thought about her joyful outburst, as she is normally a very quiet and reserved person. What a revelation! I was so exhilarated that in sharing this, what was maybe a little foggy to me a few years ago, has now became crystal clear.
Here is the summary of what I caught:
- First, Jesus was the Son of God (v3).
- Next, he had to be born of flesh, a seed of David (v3).
- His body had to be broken to bear the punishment for all the sins of the flesh of man. At the cross, Jesus took on this brokenness physically by being willing to be falsely accused, beaten and tortured, and finally crucified and hung on the cross.
- But it was not enough. We saw that his human spirit had to be broken too. He went to the depths of hopelessness and despondence, to the point of feeling forsaken and alienated from God, totally broken in spirit. [2]
- Thereupon He died and surrendered his human spirit. [3]
- His human spirit, now totally broken, received God’s Spirit.
- His spirit became holy and the Holy Spirit now dwelled in His dead body.
- The Holy Spirit accorded Him dunamis power (v4).
- Jesus’ body resurrected (v4).
- And God declared Him to be the Son of God again (v4).
"THE SALVATION PLAN OF GOD INVOLVES A WHOLE CYCLE OF BREAKING IN ORDER TO RESTORE THE SPIRIT OF SONSHIP FOR MANKIND THROUGH CHRIST."
I suddenly saw the whole picture - the salvation plan of God involves a whole cycle of breaking in order to restore the spirit of sonship for mankind through Christ. What Adam had lost, Christ had to go through once more - the full cycle of birth, death and resurrection - to restore mankind’s sonship and regain Man’s dominion over earth from the devil.
Indwelling, Not Just Baptism Of The Holy Spirit
While sharing from this handbook in China in August 2016, one COBS member, Crystal, was a bit puzzled. Didn’t the Holy Spirit already descend upon Jesus at His baptism? A very good question indeed.
Admittedly I had not thought about that. I suggested that we ask God and trust that in due course, He would reveal more.
Upon our return to Singapore, I thought about Crystal’s comment. Then I saw these words in my spirit:
“Baptism of Holy Spirit –> receive”
“Dwelling of Holy Spirit –> live”
I felt that it was a Rhema (Spirit inspired and revealed) moment, but I laboured over these words, trying to figure out what God was telling me. I felt like I understood it immediately, yet I struggled to express it. There was a missing link. At the same time, I was also facing other challenges, one of which was the sad passing of my oldest sister. After the funeral, the Holy Spirit led me to enter into the Lord’s rest.
He asked me:
- Jesus was conceived through the Holy Spirit, yet He still needed to be baptised to receive the Holy Spirit at the River Jordan. Why?
- After His baptism, He began His ministry with signs and wonders. He was in the constant presence of God.[5] But at the cross, He felt cut off[5]. Why?
"SO CHRIST, WHO WAS BORN OF THE HOLY SPIRIT AND BAPTISED AGAIN IN HIM, HAD TO LOSE IT IN ORDER TO GAIN IT BACK FOR MANKIND?"
“Ah, it is because the Holy Spirit had left him,” I thought. “Because He carried the sins of mankind in His body, He no longer possessed the holiness of God and the Holy Spirit could not dwell in Him. So Christ, who was born of the Holy Spirit and baptised again in Him, had to lose it in order to gain it back for mankind? His body had to be broken so that His blood could be shed to cleanse us from our sins; His spirit broken so that we could receive a new spirit of holiness to replace the one that God breathed into Adam …”
"IT IS ONE THING TO RECEIVE THE BAPTISM AND GIFT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. BUT ANOTHER TO HAVE HIM DWELL IN US."
I think I get it. It is one thing to receive the baptism and gift of the Holy Spirit, but another to have Him dwell in us. In order for the Holy Spirit to dwell in us, our spirits need to be broken. It is like hosting house guests – we need to break our daily routine and make room to accommodate them so that they may feel at home during their stay.
I have seen many respond to altar calls to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but how many actually have the Holy Spirit dwelling in them after that?
For myself too. There are times in my life that I would run away from God and I don’t want to hear his voice as I cannot handle it anymore. These are usually times when I am feeling so tired and my spirit so weary; when the burdens I bear have become too much for me to handle. I thank God that he knows when to let me run away from his Spirit and when to reel me back in. It is in times like this, I know I need his Spirit more than anything else. And that I cannot do without his Spirit. Broken and desperate, I would invite him in again. And I always find him there for me, waiting.
Broken To Be Born Again
God had warned Adam that he would die if he ate from the tree of knowledge.
Jesus hung on a tree as the new Adam to receive a fresh breath of life for mankind.
When we are baptised, our old spirit dies with Christ on the cross but we are born again with a new spirit – one that lives and will never die.
The Lord’s disciples had no lack of faith, they had personally been taught by the Lord and witnessed His power first hand, upfront. Yet all that was not enough.
It was when they were broken and stripped of all self-conceit, just like King David, that their spirits were ready to receive the Holy Spirit at the day of Pentecost. Only then did their bodies become temples in which the Spirit of God could dwell; and where the Spirit of God dwells, there is power!
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE BROKEN
People often ask me what these words mean – a broken spirit. These words can sound scary as they conjure images of suffering and pain – and who likes to suffer pain?
I had to put aside all my fears and resistance, and just put my trust in God and ask him to break me.
TO MY RELIEF, I DISCOVERED THAT GOD HAS NO INTENTION TO PHYSICALLY BREAK ME OR, FOR THE MATTER, ANYONE. JESUS HAS ALREADY DONE THAT. IT WAS FINISHED ON THE CROSS.
Instead, being willing to give up living a life independent of God was all the breaking I needed to do. Being a very free spirited and independent person by nature, God simply wanted to set me free from self-reliance and self-will, to open the way for the Holy Spirit to come into my life to lead me, teach me and guide me.
I realised that when God asks me for my broken spirit, it is just to exchange mine for His Spirit so that I may live in the fullness of His love and His power. It is like He exchanges my old and tattered clothes for a set of beautiful new clothes, and gives me a new title and new role - Daughter of God, Princess in His heavenly kingdom. For He is a Father. A Father God who dearly loves His children.
For some, to be broken could mean breaking down walls of stubbornness and disbelief. To others, it may be the breaking of mindsets and attitudes that prevents them from believing that the gospel of God’s love can be so simple and freely available, fully paid for by God Himself.
On the other side of the coin, there are devoted Christians who truly believe and seek to live by the teachings of the bible through sheer might, to the last ounce of strength, refusing to allow themselves to fall apart even when their physical body and state of mind betray them. They refuse to show any sign of weakness or failure, lest they be a disappointment to others and to God.
There are those who have areas of sin, tragedy or injustice that they cannot let go of, and who cannot bring themselves to trust anyone, even God. Maybe they think they do not deserve God’s love. Maybe there are some who struggle with dangerous habits, thoughts and actions. Maybe they have lost all hope and think that even God cannot solve their problems.
Then there are those who are very successful in life and take pride in their achievements and capability, and think there is no need for God to take charge of their lives.
Maybe, there are some who have been very pious and devoted to serving others and the Church, and feel that they are holy and deserving based on their works and sacrifices. And others who have worked so hard for God to the point of burnout that they have forgotten God, or have become confused and disillusioned, no longer feeling the love they once had for God. Some may have replaced God with ‘working for God’.
There are also some who forgotten that God is a Person and is Almighty and they devoted their lives to moving up the ranks of ‘Churchdom’, thinking that the Church provides a good career path which they can leverage on to gain fame, power and wealth.
GOD KNOWS IT ALL. HE WAITS FOR US TO BE BROKEN ENOUGH, TIRED ENOUGH AND SICK ENOUGH OF OUR FUTILE, CRIPPLED AND EMPTY LIVES TO COME TO HIM, BROKEN AND HUMBLED, TO EXCHANGE OUR LOST CAUSE FOR HIS LOVE, CLARITY AND POWER.
Brokenness A Blessing
Looking back over the past years, I realise it is actually a blessing to be broken. After long hard battles, I sometimes got so fatigued without even realising it. Because my capacity to handle stress is quite high, I have often been able to put aside my own needs and tiredness and go the extra mile, standing and persevering till the work or battle is done.
In the past, when I finally realised how bruised and tired I was in body and in spirit, I would signal to others my need for rest and recuperation. But because I do not show it - not falling apart, whining or crying – and try to keep my head above water, staying positive and calm as much as I can – it is often disregarded. Even my own husband is guilty of this!
"TIMES LIKE THIS, I WOULD GO TO GOD AND ALLOW MYSELF TO FALL APART."
Times like this, I would go to God and allow myself to fall apart. It is my habit now for many years to take retreats about two times a year. It is indeed a blessing to be able to do this, as God totally understands. In fact, many a time He engineered circumstances for me to take rests when even I did not know how battered and worn out I was.
Paul said that the resurrected Christ said this to him in 2 Corinthians 12:9:
“And He said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for My strength is made perfect in weakness.””
And in verse 10:
“For when I am weak, I am strong.”
"WHEN I BREAK DOWN BEFORE THE LORD, HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO RESTORE ME."
Amen, indeed, when I break down before the Lord, He knows exactly how to restore me. Sometimes it is by taking an Elijah rest[6] – the equivalent of crawling into a cave, sleeping and eating. Sometimes He sends someone, a verse, a phrase, a word, a song or a book and I am magically restored. Truly, He is my strength and His strength is made manifest and perfect only when I am weak, not when I can do it all. He then takes me on a new path and fresh journey with Him again.
What an extraordinary journey it has been.
A Life Of Bending And Breaking
A Jewish believer once shared with my friend Patsy that getting to know God is like going on a journey with Him. And this journey is a spiral, not a straight progressive line.
It involves a lot of bending and breaking.
I understand.
As I allow the Holy Spirit to bend and break me as I move along, He shows me a lot more than what I can learn from reading or studying the word.
At times, He gently leans on me to guide me in decision-making – big or small. Other times, He prompts me to go to a specific place, to do something like call a friend or pray for someone, or to drop everything and just listen.
"AT EVERY TURN AND BEND, HE NEVER FAILS TO SURPRISE."
At every turn and bend, He never fails to surprise - with signs and wonders, miracles, moments of epiphany, new understanding of the Bible, new discoveries, unraveling of mysteries, hearing sounds of heaven through worship or through nature, and so much more. He navigates and reveals His plans of where we should go and what we should do, often to our delight.
The sun has danced for us on a hill in China. Saints of centuries past saluted me in a little old church in Italy. He showed us two sunrises on the same morning on a majestic mountain in China on a cold wintry morning.
He has also led my husband and I into some very good investments. He often leads me to see what is happening in the world, and prompts me to intercede and sometimes to cleanse or war over a particular place in the spirit. He also prompts me to pray for the safety and protection of my children and my loved ones in critical moments.
The longer I walk with God, the bigger the spiral becomes.
"AS I JOURNEY ON, HE STRETCHES ME AND EXTENDS MY CAPACITY FOR MORE - A DIFFERENT SORT OF BREAKING."
I get to see a bit more, from another perspective as I enter into another level of understanding. As I journey on, He stretches me and extends my capacity for more - a different sort of breaking.
Now I understand why John said that if everything Jesus did was written down, all the books of the world could not hold it[7]. The journey into God’s world is simply mind-boggling and yet so intriguing and exciting. There is so much depth and dimension that there is not enough time or breath to be able to journal or share it all.
It also has been a humbling journey.
"AS I GET TO KNOW HOW BIG GOD AND HIS WORLD IS, I DECREASE AND DECREASE AS I REALISE HOW SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT I REALLY AM."
As I get to know how big God and His world is, I decrease and decrease as I realise how small and insignificant I really am. How impossible it is to know even a tiny fraction of what God knows. Yet God, our loving Father, continues to patiently and lovingly teach us.
Oh, as the psalmist sings,
“What is man that You, God, should be mindful of us?” [8]
My broken heart grows to appreciate, respect and admire God more and more, and I fall in love with the Lord Jesus over and over again.
Indeed, this is how I want to live for the rest of my life. Always bending and breaking, learning and growing, which I discovered, is truly the normal Christian life and also the COBS way of life.
[1]Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. – Psalm 51:4, New Living Translation (NLT)
[2]At noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock. At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,[a] lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” - Matthew 27:45-46, New Living Translation (NLT)
[3]Then Jesus shouted out again, and he released his spirit. – Matthew 27:50, New Living Translation (NLT)
[4]Then Jesus said to them, “For sure, I tell you, the Son can do nothing by Himself. He does what He sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son does also. – John 5:19, New Life Version (NLV)
[5]And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” – Matthew 27:46, New King James Version (NKJV)
[6] 1 Kings 19
[7] Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written. - John 21:25, New Living Translation (NLT)
[8] What are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? – Psalm 8:4, New Living Translation (NLT)
